mrr, today was pretty good, done with precalculus : ) that's always nice. at lunch went to a meeting of next year's mads people, there are only 9 of us coming back : (, it's really bad, like mads is gonna suck next year, musically that is, we don't blend, i can't blend with them! they sing so softly and the timbre sucks! *ARG!* it just makes me really frustrated, plus he says we're having a rehearsal before school starts to get the new people acquainted. i don't particularly want to do that, i can't blend with these people and i don't think i'll be able to anytime soon. *sigh*. i know it's and ensemble but jesus christ! it sounds pretty bad to me, too many new people, he should have made the group smaller, maybe then i would actually try. in any case, after school i went over to suraji's to work on our apus project, i'm really excited about how shibby it's turning out to be, only problem is that my eyes are burning from podge and sharpie fumes and i think i killed more brain cells than i should for my finals next week. i should go write my spanish essay, i'll ttyl

everything seems to be better, i can't really complain about anything, : ) i like contentedness, today i sat outside school watching a raging thunderstorm and i felt so wonderful, so clean and happy. kind of busy, but in an industrious manner, and as productivity makes me feel good, i'm suprisingly chipper heehee.
Starjcb [8:08 PM]: mmm i'm feeling so contented today
A Llama Sayz [8:09 PM]: yay!
A Llama Sayz [8:09 PM]: im glad
A Llama Sayz [8:09 PM]: being contented is good
A Llama Sayz [8:09 PM]: for some reason the word content conjures up a mental image of like sitting under a blanked with hot chocolate
Starjcb [8:11 PM]: lol content for me occured to me when i was sitting outside and i saw a huge lightning bolt across the sky in front of me, and it thundered and began to pour
A Llama Sayz [8:11 PM]: uh
A Llama Sayz [8:11 PM]: well thats definitely the polar opposite of mine
Starjcb [8:12 PM]: lol no but it was weird because usually it's the same thing as urs, but i felt so happy when it started to rain, like all the things i could hate would get washed away, all the things i thought would never be destroyed somehow would
A Llama Sayz [8:13 PM]: ^.^
A Llama Sayz [8:13 PM]: there ya go
A Llama Sayz [8:13 PM]: thats the rite attitude
Starjcb [8:15 PM]: : ) yah i suppose it is, it reminded me of this one time at driving school last summer when it was pouring and i went outside in the rain and walked down the street and got icecream, and i was drenched but i felt like perfection, i felt beautiful, and happy, and totally myself
mmm nothing like summer rain, one of the many things i love, like trade winds, and sugar cane fields, freshly fallen snow, and breezes off salt water
in any case, i should be studying for part II of my ib math studies final tomorrow, i'll ttyl love y'all

as always alanna and i are best friends again, i don't think we've ever fought for more than 8 hours. so yesterday was alright i suppose, didn't talk to ranwa all day, she didn't seem to mind as her day was perfection. i can't remember ever having a perfect day, perhaps i'm blinded by this weird depression i've been dealing with. sometimes i wish i had more friends to support me, i only have one, and i commend her efforts but sometimes huddled masses of friends seem to fill a void better. like that whole completeness crap ranwa was talking about. i don't know, somehow i feel that if you feel complete you're deluding urself and something really isn't complete, there will always be someone who hates you, some imperfection, some lonliness, i don't know why but i believe it's that way. for instance, on your wedding day you are supposed to feel perfection and completeness, but it's probably not really completeness, more that you forget about all your voids and drown yourself in your happiness, lavishness, and romance. truly it's not as though you've reached perfection, but rather that you are simply too distracted and your voids seem at least temporarily filled. i always felt that completeness was a dangerous thing anyway, it makes you feel invincible that you need nothing, when in reality you always need something, someone...segue...i realized that i'm really not missed, it's not as though people dislike when i'm there, but it would be funny to see how many people notice i wasn't at lara's recital last night (ranwa sure as hell didn't) and how many people will notice i'm not at graduation today, however i suppose it's not good for me to dwell in such facts because it encourages me into the thought that i could die and no one would miss me, and it's never good for me to depress myself so. in any case, congratulations to all the seniors graduating! wish i could be there, have fun in your new lives. i sincerely love you all.