*christmas lights in the middle of august, grudges come back to haunt us, our oldest allies are our long lost enemies* came home from julia's party, feeling angry, ugly, and tired. the party was okay at points, namely while playing twister. however, alanna, my best friend was completley bitchy, insensitive and unsympathetic, i was crying and she's like "if you didn't want to come you shouldn't have come!" jesus, mary, and joseph that was uncalled for. then i was going to spend an hour at her house after the party cuz she decided she was having too much fun being social and didn't want to leave then, so i call my mother to arrange it and she decides to sleep instead of tell my dad. so i came home at 8 instead of 9 still haven't seen alanna's cat, probably doesn't matter anyway. heh didn't help that jenny and nick were flirting all night doesn't make me happy, twisted and wrong, just feel hideous, and hideously unloved...wish i had friends....the ones i think i have *coalannaugh* apparently don't care about hanging out with me. god i guess i should grow a spine, off to grow a spine i go...*it seems like ur always stuck in second gear, and it hasn't been ur day, ur week, ur month, or even ur year*

haha! the world is smiting me, in addition to being lonely and bored as usual, the past few days i have continuously tripped down *and* up stairs, been even more lonely as my friends ignored me for their new love interests, and violently choked on...you guessed it....air. lol but i feel as though things are looking up, ranwa is an amazing person, she reminded me why i love her so much *sigh* heehee i'm lucky to have as wonderful friends as i do, one day they'll realize they're too good for me. you know what i need? a trip to potbelly's mmmmm potbelly's : ) i suppose the pounding rain is washing away some of my irritation and general upset, i see new purpose in rainy days, days when it's ugly and not snuggly and gray elissa : ), i feel free to cry and not insult the powers that be for they did not grant me a beautiful day. i feel there are endless possibilities and beautiful people to spend hours and days with. i suppose i'm content and feel that perfection can only be achieved if you're willing to let it, i'm willing to aim for perfection, for utter unyielding joy, and sunshine to emanate from my body : ) come along children, share my sunshine, i assure you i have an abundance! LOVE YOU!!! <3

hm sad but triumphant, i was right, she is happy, even when i'm cold and distant she revels in his temporary adoration of her and forgets me. i suppose that's good though it makes me mournful all the same, she is so near perfect, closer than most everyone i've known, i don't know how he could ever be good enough for her, but her delusion aids in happiness and happiness is loveliness : ) *sigh* so much work to do, i'm dejected but i suppose at least i'm right. something to comfort myself in whilst i have no guy to comfort me.

ranwa will be happy, that's all i ever really wanted for her, it saddens me that i'll no longer be useful, i did realize through talking to him that it is mutually exclusive and despite the understanding we came to i don't think it could ever work, i can't be friends with her anymore, it was fun while it lasted though, what fond memories i have : ) i hate being depressed so i guess i pretend i'm not, pretend that having my place in someone's heart taken doesn't hurt, and god it happens far too often. oh well, he'll treat her well, better than most ever could. to ranwa: i love you and ur place in my heart will always be there. *huggles to everyone*