everything's packed and i'm ready to go. i have this feeling like it'll only get better from here...*sigh* i wish i could take my ottoman with me, seriously i don't even care to explain how i feel, all i can say is that i feel lucky and blessed to have him in my life. yesterday was beautiful, mini-golf, fruit stands, ice in the bag, hemingway's, the sunset on the bay...just everything. meet me in wicomico darling : ). i swear we'll grow together i think this could be the start of a beautiful relationship...haha *MUAH* <3

i am now single on the facebook. i don't have any words for how bad i feel. normally crying makes me feel better but i just can't, god i havent' felt this terrible since...i don't even know. this is the last time, it's done for good and it hurts. god i'm such a fucking idiot, such a fucking idiot, such a fucking idiot, such a fucking idiot...

he's home. : ) dinner last night was awesome, and the other stuff too. i'm really happy right now, happier than the tone i'm writing in. haha i guess i worry too much about our differences, the way we value things. but s'all good, it's just how it should be and the next three weeks are going to be so. much. fun. i can tell hehe, i love you fenerbahce : ) <3 -bazmati rice.

Getting an IB diploma is a beautiful thing, i don't know why i was so worried about it in the first place, i mean you only need 24 points. IB HL English: 6, IB HL Spanish: 6, IB HL History: 6, IB SL Music: 5, IB SL Math Studies: 5, IB SL Physics: haha well we don't talk about this one, English EE: A, TOK: B. I was somewhat disappointed that I got no 7s though it's understandable (i don't care to explain). nothing interesting's been going on, i'll probably go out shopping later, then out to dinner with my parents. this weekend will probably be spent in NY with my brother : ) yay! i'm not even lonely, i just miss someone in particular, i hate that feeling, but it's just 3 weeks left really so heh i can wait that long. congratulations to alanna on her deferral being accepted i know it's what she wanted. haha i think since the 21st of june this is the greatest number of emails i've ever gotten. i love it, though it doesn't really replace real interaction. anyhow, off i go to make myself pretty and clean. ttyl <3

I was bored and reading over my old journal entries (in my paper journal). sometimes i feel so foolish. like, how did you guys put up with me for 4+ years. for that matter how did you put up with me and ersin? i think i worry too much about little stupid things. honestly it doesn't matter how much i allegedly 'hate' someone, or what injustice they've done to me at the time. if it's so egregious then it doesn't require drama to exaccerbate it. in the case of me and ersin, we always get back together, always have, probably always will, and apparently everyone else knew that, so how come no one told me? i feel like i get really upset about things that don't matter because i can't see the grand design. maybe it's just me being impatient. haha it's just funny to look back, to see all the flings, all the things i did that i shouldn't have done, the being obsessed, the being in "love", the being in love....: ) *sigh* i've come a long way i like to think. when i look back on it alanna was right, i should've never gone out with ersin back in freshman year, looking back i don't even know why i did...not that i don't love him now, but so much drama could have been avoided...well then again, drama's usually not avoidable with me. and we grew from it didn't we? i'm always so worried about the future, i like to try to anticipate it because i don't like change and at least that way i can prepare myself for it. in my journal i had asked, 2 or 3 years ago, 'why are me and ersin so good for each other' i think it's because he's the only person who mellows me out/calms me down. interestingly it wasn't really a question, it was me acknowledging something i knew to be true. i realize that i pick friends based on their ability to not be high strung like i am, to be chill etc. but the reason why ersin is perfect for me is because he makes me better than i ever was. it's a constant struggle for me to try not to be so...stressed out, i guess. there's so much more that i could say but i like to limit it considering the complexity of everything. let's just say this, in a broad sense: i know how love is now. i feel lucky <3

things are okay. got my pictures developed today, went to the cheesecake factory with my dad. i'm just...well i'd give anything to bring him home right now. i miss him so much it's crazy, and i'm sure he's not missing me that much but the boredom, compounded with the lonliness, compounded with the fact that i'm not going to get love from any other guys (i could but i won't cuz i'm faithful like that) is just too much for me to handle. 5 weeks is too long you guys. far too long.

{I just want to feel some sunshine/I just want to find some place to be alone/We can live beside the ocean/Leave the fire behind/Swim out past the breakers/Watch the world die}<---everclear is a beautiful thing. I get nervous so easily when I think about Tuesday. I wish I didn't have to but you must admit that a month and a half is a long time to not see/talk to anybody, much less your boyfriend. In any case yesterday was hilariously fun. From the absolutely horrendous parking job, to the "look at my thong it's from America!", "whip it out", the orange nautica bubbly thing, the hot shirt, ice cream, shoe shopping, in Pyrokinesis the big red face with horns and the woman crawling up the glass : ), and 'playing Risk' in my basement. I don't know why I get so scared when I'm separated from people, somehow I'm just always afraid that something really momentous is going to happen and I'm going to miss out or something will change and I won't even know it until it's too late. Maybe we do need some time apart. maybe. but i'm not convinced that either of us will like it when it's actually happening. Haha though it will give me a good opportunity to lose 15 lbs. or so : ). It's presumptuous of me to think that you'd talk to me and it shows how much I've come to care. Better stop that it usually gets me into trouble remember? Sometimes I feel so wordless and vacant, I don't know why, Maryland is usually a fine place for me to articulate my thoughts, I hate the fact that I don't really have any desire to go to New York or Canada I just wish I could....ah i wish too much...I want too much and that's what gets me in trouble : (. I just have this sinking feeling like when you drop a large stone into a deep body of water, except i can't see the bottom and that always scares me. I don't like being scared, and i'm generally not i just can't imagine what it'll be like alone. maybe that's my problem : ) i think too far in advance. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm just jealous because he'll have so many ample distractions, beautiful and exciting places, and business so as to not miss me, but I don't have that...I suppose I better find something. <3